The gas company is only slightly winning

My oven works! I turned it on the other day and it got hot, set off the smoke detectors, but will not pop microwave popcorn. I still have no heat. I did try one more time - a friend agreed to sit and wait for the gas company, who assured me the only access they needed was to get into my unit. . .but got here and told my friend they needed to get into the basement. I live in the attic, hoarder lives on the second floor, I don't have access to the basement. They left an orange card that said they came, but couldn't help because they couldn't get access - just a card they leave for people who pull no-shows or lock their doors - it doesn't fit our relationship, Southern Connecticut Gas, because there is no card for how you're breaking my damned balls! So to stay warm, I made a bonfire out of some stuff piled up in the hallway.

I think my apartment might be possessed. I want to purify with some burning sage or Yankee Candles, or whatever it is spiritualists do. Since I moved here, I find that I have to get up in the middle of the night to pee - and that's never happened to me before, ergo, spirits. Also, I broke in my new wine glasses tonight because someone gave me a bottle of wine - look, aren't they cool:

My friend gave me the bottle as an early birthday gift - Saturday is my birthday! To celebrate, I've got loads of fun things planned like tailgating at a football game I don't care about, peeing in a port-o-potty, and buying lots of flavored vodka and candy for the birthday party that I'm throwing for myself. Tonight, I talked my sister into ditching out on a trip we have planned forevs to volunteer at a sea turtle habitat in Costa Rica. We've had to cancel like three times - first because my mom got sick and I had to go take care of her, then for something else, then I think there was a show on we wanted to watch. . . anyway, it's just not working out - so I said babe, why are we helping stupid turtles? They caused the Titanic to sink! Let's go to Europe instead! Besides, turtles hate Jews. So, we're going to Europe and it's going to be awesome.

Cheers!