Thursday, December 8, 2011

Is Santa a fat creepy douche-bag?

Maybe not, but Christmas is still stupid. When I was in the fourth grade, my brother and I were the only kids in our grammar school with startlingly Jewish surnames (if you don't know, it's Jewenheimermeyerwitzstein) and we were forced to sing "Silent Night" in German at the Christmas concert. These were the days before whiny liberals started militantly enforcing secularism and inclusion of other stupid holidays loosely based on goofy religions. After the concert, we had to click our leather boots together, hide a Jew in the basement and zig-heil to the principal before recess. The only Christmas carols I can sort of sing are that one - Silent Night in German, and the one about Batman.

While I almost (and by almost I mean not at all) sympathize with people who miss the times when Christmas was such a big public event that the themes were in every store, restaurant, public park and bank - we can still remember the good ole' days when people didn't have to go underground with their Christmas celebrations. It's a shame that we can't hang tacky crap all over the place to commemorate December 25th, which will pass unnoticed just like December 14th. Children today just don't know how wonderful it used to be when we didn't have to hide our stockings, cheap chocolate, frivolous spending and wasted electricity on dead trees. . . *sigh*. . .

But let's get serious for a minute because if one more selfish, small-minded a-hole complains about the "PC crowd" ruining Christmas and how it's so unfair that we have to say Happy Holidays now, I'm going to pee on the first Frosty The Snowman lawn ornament I find on someone else's lawn.

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