Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Dear President Santorum,

Eff naw that won't never happen. Heads up though, if it do, I'm moving to Canada. Or a real country, whichever is cheaper.

Jewish Karl Rove, who legitimately works in politics, reassures me that won't happen – but I've seen him looking at one-way flights, so who knows for sure? You know, Santorum kept the dead body of his kid hanging around for a few days. Rose for Emily? Grief can be overwhelming, but that's weird. We dispose of dead bodies in this country.

JKR is actually quite settled – he has 2 pets. He has a depressed and potentially suicidal dog that I worry will hang herself from the ceiling fan one of these days. She was a hunting dog for her previous owner and was shot in the face during a hunting accident. Funny coincidence, that. She's jittery and scared of everything and mentally unstable – but JKR keeps her calm and takes her to work with him every day where she hides under his desk if someone comes into his office. His devotion is adorable. He also has a cat:



I wanted to show the picture before I said anything. As you can see, he's huge. Ginormo the cat could easily be in one of those contests – and I'm not talking about the fattest cat contest, I'm talking about a hotdog eating contest. When I spend the night at his place, this cat “quietly” creeps up – which means he hurls himself onto the bed and then, breathless and panting with exertion, tries to purr for attention until someone wakes up and feeds him his fifteenth meal of the day. It's very cute. I'm going to go to the cat 'big and tall' store and get him a tuxedo and then get Ruth Bader Catsburg a white dress and marry them. That's not weird. I became an officiant online. JKR spent the past two weekends meeting hordes of people I'm related to and it might be the most felons he's ever been in the same room with at once (and he's in politics). This weekend, we're going to DC where he'll run a half marathon to celebrate his birthday (who does that? save your energy for the zombie apocalypse) and I'm meeting his parents and little sister. I'm hoping one of them gets drunk and starts a bar fight because that's where my instincts kick in and I really feel in the zone with family time. Also hoping that they don't think I'm an a-hole.

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