It's Spring and There is Cat Hair in My Wine

This is a time for cleaning and rejuvenation. I got a pedicure and taught Ruth Bader Catsburg how to operate the Swiffer. Here she is, cuddled up in the sink and preventing me from brushing my teeth:

It's cute until I die of gum disease because I can't floss or brush. This is also the season for hay fever and poor Jewish Karl Rove caught something this week and he was so “sick” that I thought I'd have to call the CDC. He told me he was really sick and didn't think he could drive down, or go to work, or survive the night. . .

It turned out to be a cold and it was the first time I saw someone high off of Dayquil – like, without mixing it with all of the other ingredients to make crystal meth. I took him out to dinner for his birthday – his worst sick day – and came back from the bathroom to find him laughing hysterically into his fish tacos. His fly was also down. I let him know that he should only laugh like that when people are at the table with him otherwise he looks crazy. He barely had an appetite, which worked in my favor, and giggled at everything. On the way home, he moaned and groaned about how terrible he felt, all while breathing through his mouth. He sounded like this, lying in bed:

"muhhhhhhhhh uhhhhhhh I love you muhhhhhhh. . . .waaaaahhhhhhh muhhhhhh you're the best thing that ever happened to me muhhhhhhhhhhhh uhhhhhhhh I'm so achey muhhhhhhhhh why do I feel so bad? I can't go to D.C. tomorrow muhhhhhhhhhhhh uhhhhhh I can't take off my shirt and go to bed, I'll just sleep in my clothes muhhhhhhhhh where are the churros? muhhhhhhh uhhhhh I love you muhhhhhhhh is this bad? I'm so vulnerable right now . . . muhhhhhhhh waaahhhhhhh is this ok?"

I made up for it last night by asking one of those insane questions that only women ask.

“Would you still love me if I gained 300 pounds and became morbidly obese?”

He said yes, but then we catalogued all of the things he'd have to say to me to dissuade my bad behavior.

“Sweetie, you can't gargle with wonton soup”
“Honey, why are you putting hot fudge in your coffee?”
“Pumpkin, I know you ordered steak and eggs, but why are you replacing the eggs with 8 Cadbury crème eggs?”
“I don't think you're supposed to floss with lo mein”
“No, you can't rehydrate with a milkshake, you rehydrate with water. Nope, not a calcium supplement, either”
“No, brunch isn't the meal between breakfast and lunch, it replaces both”
"What do you mean you blew another engine on your easy-go?"