What Is Proper Sauna Etiquette?

As part of my vows - I'm not allowed to get obese for at least a few years. As such, I've joined a gym and have been swimming laps to complement physical therapy for this other thing that's wrong with me that reminds me that I'm really effing old.

Recently, I was at the gym and after my swim, I went into the sauna as I usually do. I was in my bathing suit and towel, lying on my stomach, when a fellow member wearing a long-sleeved track suit, socks and sneakers came in and plopped down next to me. I would have asked her if she wasn't a little hot, wearing all of those clothes, but she was also on the phone. To get comfortable, she switched it to speaker phone. At least that way, I wouldn't be confused as to what she was discussing because now I'd be able to eavesdrop on both sides of the conversation. She was fat and wearing lots of big rings. I worried that maybe I was taking up too much space on the bench because someone else came in and sat down by my feet - they were both so close to me at this point even though they didn't need to be. The conversation was mostly about some fish that she had cooked at two in the morning for a younger man she liked. She put a few spices on it, some bread crumbs, and then fried it lightly. Doreen thought that sounded good.

She carried on her convo as if nobody else was in there - and started to get comfortable by taking off her socks and shoes. I was lying down, so when she put her dirty sock on the bench next to her - it was also a mere three inches from my face. It was time to go. The other woman in the room was taking off her clothes piece by piece and was naked next to me and holy hell it looked like she was sitting on an unkempt bonsai tree. Is that normal sauna behavior? We're talking about food here, isn't that unsanitary? Jesus, put your granny panties back on, please.

I also gave blood recently - mostly for the free Nutter Butters, but also because after donating you cannot lift anything, exercise or overly exert yourself and I needed the excuse. My blood was apparently so suspicious that the chapter folks had to call headquarters to confirm my travel schedule. It took a really long time and I wondered if I should have just bought my own Nutter Butters? I know what you're thinking and no, I didn't have sex with any rhesus monkeys in the 1980s. I also used my blood donation as an excuse to make JKR bring home beer and frozen yogurt and cook dinner. Of all of the items on the shopping list, the only one he neglected to get was the frozen yogurt so I immediately took that to mean he thinks I'm getting fat and wants to prevent me from eating treats. I hope he realizes that next time he should just bring home the froyo otherwise he'll have to listen to me whine for the next two days about whether my ass is fatter than it was three weeks ago.