We Took Our Dog To A Therapist

It was a very one-sided conversation. The purpose of the appointment was to hear from a professional veterinary behavioralist (I imagine this field to be even more hypothetical than the study of the Higgs-Boson) that the dog can either be fixed or is safe to have around babies and other adults (like myself) without getting sued or losing a face. Abby is a beagle hound who was reported to have been abused in her first home somewhere in Alabama. She has buckshot scars on her ear (somebody shot her) and has some broken and missing teeth. She pretty much always looks sad or scared. There are some things she really enjoys: pieces of string cheese, eating poop out of the cat litterbox and going to the office. She hates going for walks and has to be dragged down the stairs. If I try to put a harness on her while unaccompanied by "The Master" I'm taking my life into my hands. She's not a happy dog and never plays. If she had opposable thumbs, she probably would have hung herself by now.

On the plus side, I also like string cheese and I often share with Abby. She's warming to me. This trio I married is very malleable as long as food is the lure. The first time my husband asked me how he could "lock this down maritally" was after I made lemon chicken. His obese cat has changed allegiances because I am the dispenser of treats. He proved that he loved me more by rubbing his butt on JKR's pillow instead of mine - so that I was not the one who woke up with a kitty dingleberry next to my face last Sunday. He's too fat to clean himself very well and can't reach a lot of spots. I kept nagging JKR to clean his nether parts, but he doesn't listen and now he could have pinkeye.

So we saw this dog therapist, who gave us a training plan and analyzed all of Abby's quirks with suggestions for improvement. All lessons involve treats because it's the only activity we can confirm that she likes, but she said it's very hard to train a dog not to eat cat poop because it's so delicious to them. She advised against my using cat poop as the treat lure in training, however, because even though she loves it so much, I would have it on my hands and it could get in my eye or mouth and make me sick. It seemed like such a good idea because treats are expensive, but oh well. I feel very positive after meeting with this doctor, who said we'd have much better luck training other people not to go near the dog. One of the plans involves walling Abby into a "safe zone" where people and babies aren't allowed to bother her. She also suggested various litterboxes that dogs can't get to and while searching for one online, I uncovered this little gem:

These two Canadian best friends clearly love dogs, but I'm not sure what I love most about this video: the gold chains? the dialogue? (You better tell us about it!) the theme song? Feel free to weigh in.

Awkward wedding gifts still occasionally arrive - now with monogramming. That just makes them harder to sell on ebay. JKR says he hasn't even heard of/met many of the people sending us wedding gifts. We'll be meeting many of them for the first time at a brunch in Richmond to celebrate our marriage at the end of July. I got a very nice invitation in the mail from his parents, but otherwise I am pretty much just showing up. The gifts bother me a little because everything I know about really nice gifts from strangers I learned from The Godfather trilogy. This can't be good. I am also worried about meeting all of these people in Virginia because it's at a country club that doesn't allow denim (therefore my family is not going); I am not so great on a first impression, but third or fourth impression is where I really shine; and my worst personality characteristics come out when I am bored and I am worried that I will be bored in a room full of strangers who go to places like country clubs. If I had wanted a real wedding, I would have had one, but I made every attempt to avoid all of that obligatory traditional crap. My very wise friend J.Wo told me that being married is basically just an obligation to go to shitty family events. I guess that's true - I've dragged JKR to like fifty already and mine are probably way worse because things like fireworks accidents in which people lose faces occur at my family events. Ugh. I hate doing stuff for other people. Whine.