Saturday morning, I came down the stairs to find my husband standing over our downed vacuum, swearing and beating it with one of its attachments. In his defense, it was a terrible vacuum prone to getting jammed and then letting off a burning smell while smoke would pour out of it.
As such, I had to go to Walmart, a Christmas war zone, to get a new one. If your kids freak out in these places, why do you bring them? If you can afford all of that non-essential crap that Walmart sells - like that hot sauce kit - why can't you afford a babysitter? I have witnessed five meltdowns by people under 10 in the past week at retail establishments. I asked a little 9-year-old I know about this phenomenon and she shrugged and said "Well, there's lots of stuff there kids like. Christmas is a long wait."
I tried to buy plain white gift boxes, but they didn't have any. Why are there three aisles of Christmas wrapping paper? That is paper that immediately gets thrown away. What the hell? That is literally decorative garbage made to temporarily cover the stuff you keep. Ugh. Just hide it behind your back and yell "Ta Daaa" when the time is right. Mercifully, they were not playing horribly annoying Christmas music. That crap sucks. The first store to establish a thermometer-like visual aid tracking the nation's rising suicide rates and increasing personal debt numbers during the holidays will get my loyalty business for life.
My husband and I are exchanging small gifts on each of the 8 nights of Hanukkah. He has a complete inability to hold in surprises and the second he buys me something wants to tell me what it is -so the bonus gift becomes making him wait until the right day to hand it over. It was so much fun for my birthday. I even caught him in the act:
"Hi, where are you? what are you doing?"
"I'm at the mall. . . running errands. . .ugh I bought your birthday present. Want to know what it is?"
"No."
"Dammit."
The second my eyes fluttered open on November 19th, he was looming.
"Can I give you your present now?"
"Yes." He handed me a little black box.
"It's a necklace!"
You are so hilarious Rachel! You brighten my day, like, everyday. I love that you married a guy who is so sweet that he can't stand not giving you gifts as soon as they're in his hot little hand. And when you find the store that has a display of the fiscal cliff instead of the north pole, i'll line up right behind you!
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He is fantabulous in many ways, it's true. We've got to do a meet-up soon. You're the highlight of the West coast. xoxo
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