Friday, April 26, 2013

You Know What's Depressing? Um, Earth.

Terrorism
Drone assassinations
Equal rights
Deterioration of our environment
War
Bankrupt government who borrowed money to pay for 2 wars costing in the trillions
No gun safety measures in America although 20,000 people a year are killed domestically by people with guns
I stubbed my toe

I've always been one to eat my feelings. Chocolate raises serotonin levels, making people happier in a natural way. Women's bodies expect 17% more food during menstruation and make allowances. It's Tuesday. Whatever excuse I need. I'm a great cook and for years I've shied away from fatty foods like butter, ice cream, cakes (only in an emergency) and I don't like sugary drinks like soda (gross). I also get a decent amount of exercise unless it's raining, or snowing, or I'm tired or my finger hurts or my favorite show is on t.v. (maybe it's my favorite show, I can't remember, but I should watch it to make sure).

This strategy no longer works for me because my stomach is broken and my lower intestine can no longer digest fermentable sugars, those that ferment during digestion (not booze, which is already fermented). This translates to everything I love: milk, wheat, gluten, soy (which I don't love because it has creepy-ass hormones), yogurt, garlic, onions, apples, bread (Oh! sweet bread!), honey, high fructose corn syrup. . . how many foods can you think of that don't have at least one of those ingredients? Carrot sticks. It's been a few months and at first, I lost weight really quickly, but then I started eating olives and cheese at every meal. When terror suspects are shutting down the streets of a city, I'd just like to kick back in my livingroom with a pint of froyo, you know? So it's all bummed me out a lot.

To cheer me up, my husband brought me home what he thought was ingredient sensitive ice cream - but it was chocolate/peanut butter SOY ice cream. I was so disappointed: not only that he doesn't pay attention when I whine and complain endlessly about not being able to eat anything, but that I really wanted a frozen treat at that moment and I wasn't going to get it. I felt better when I bought chocolate peanut butter gelato and made him watch me eat the whole pint while he ate that soy shit. It wasn't so much a punishment, but that I hate sharing. To make it up to him, I started reflecting on an awesome anniversary present. Since the first anniversary is paper, I started building him a photo calendar of our pets and got carried away very quickly. Check out these Valentine's Day bedroom eyes:


Any suggestions for photo captions? 

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