My Uterus Fell Out And Then Exploded When It Hit The Floor

I spent most of the week helping out to take care of my cousin's 4 year old and 7 year old sons. They're very cute boys and I was set up to escort them back home to Texas from New Hampshire from their grandmother's, who is sick, to their father, also sick.

When I first met them, within ten minutes, I was alone with both of them on Tuesday afternoon. The little one turned to me, smiled and said "I'm gonna be bad now." 

Holy Hell. He ran outside, took off and wouldn't come back. When he did, I put him in time out and he flipped over stools and screamed and dumped out the toy box so that he could lift it high enough to chuck the toy box at me. I had to hold his arms and legs because he was then trying to throw a rocking chair at me after he flipped over a recliner lounge chair. I held his arms and legs and sat him on my lap for his time-out, counting out the three minutes, and that's when he punched, kicked, bit me, called me a "fucker" then spit in my face.

He's like a cute, sweet little doll. Named Chucky. When he was done being crazy, he said, "I'm a kitty!" and then acted like a kitten for an hour. Not even the kind that scratches furniture and pukes up hairballs, but a good, sweet, purring kitty. Was I being punked and hidden cameras were going to come out and he was going to turn out to be a tiny adult playing a prank? At bedtime, when I realized he and I would be sharing a bedroom, I briefly worried that I'd be sleeping in a room with this little guy who knows where the knives are kept.

The next day is sort of hazy because I took a piano bench to the head from the older boy. It was an "accident." I was worried because the day after that, The boys and I were getting on a plane together, just the three of us.

On travel day, after almost missing our 6am flight, lots of kicking and screaming on the plane, a spilled yogurt and some fresh scratching all over my arms, I cracked on our layover and tried to turn them over at the airport as unaccompanied minors so that I could pay an exorbitant price to just fly home and be done with them. The stewardess was preparing the paperwork when she looked over at them and saw the older boy punching the row of chairs, grinding his teeth and grunting, and the little one running around with a giant backpack on, slamming into walls and screaming. Then she said oh wait, let me see if they are old enough. . . no! Not old enough to travel solo.

"Ok, well, I kidnapped them so you should arrest me."

I wanted to be in a jail cell with a more manageable population like drug dealers and prostitutes.

"No."

My cousin didn't know they'd been such a handful for other relatives until I called him. He was mortified to learn what they'd been up to. When he picked us up at the airport in Austin, I was happy to see him and excited to ride in a jeep with no doors and no top, like on a safari, but then I realized the scariest animals I could see on any safari were sitting behind me in the backseat. I love my cousin dearly, and I hope he loves me too (even after this, but if he doesn't, I have an opening in my love circle and am taking applications). He had adopted the little one out of a tough situation (because my cousin is an angel), and the boy may have Reactive Attachment Disorder. Essentially, his training on how to only kill other serial killers should probably start now. I love having a puppy.