Dating Advice From Beyond The Grave

I always imagine my exes dead when we break up, but getting the news that it's happened is surreal and weird. My father sent me an obituary today for a guy I met when I was twenty and almost married at 24. I'm glad I didn't go through with it, and instead canceled the wedding, sold all of my possessions and moved to China - I stayed glad particularly after googling him and looking at some of his arrest record. They say you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince and while I don't want to speak ill of the dead, I'm thrilled to be done tonguing amphibians. At this point, I'm assuming everyone else made bad dating choices in their 20s, too. . .

I've thought about it all day and tried to think of some positive things, out of respect for that guy's current state of not being alive, but nothing nice really came up. That's ok, forgiveness happened a long time ago and I'm very sorry for his family. They were nice people. I've learned a lot of lessons in life, mostly the hard way because I'm an idiot, and I learned many things about dating from that Mr. Wrong. Here are the top 5:

1) Never ever be too afraid of being alone. It's not that bad. I don't know about you, but I'm awesome and love hanging out with me. If you're afraid to be alone, you'll sacrifice important things that you'll probably regret, so just get a few mirrors, a handful of cats and learn to knit.

2) Don't date people or marry people that don't share your values. It's not about who is a member of what political party or religious group or Twilight fan organization, but the core of what someone's ethics really are and the way it plays out in their relationships/religion/career need to be compatible with yours. He loves Jesus and that's why he steals bread to feed his starving family, except his family doesn't like bread, they like cigarettes so he hijacked that truck. . .

3) While open communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship, romantic or otherwise, you have to be able to say absolutely anything to your partner. Never feel like you have to hold anything in, except unpleasant gas. This is closely related to how much you trust your partner and if you don't trust them to still like you if they find out you used to like New Kids On The Block and once mooned a funeral hearse in procession, then re-examine that.

4) Don't date or marry someone if you have to lie about things they do or say to your friends and family so that your friends and family will still like your partner. If you make excuses for the person you're with, that's a warning sign. "No, my boyfriend didn't steal all of your fancy bathsalts, eat them, and then bite your dog's head like a zombie. Besides, he's under a lot of stress at work."

5) Be wary of a partner that is always telling you who you are or what your place is. If you don't know yourself enough that someone else is telling you why you are doing something, what your personality is "really" like, and that they can type-cast you perfectly - then go be by yourself and figure out if they're right because these are things you need to learn for yourself without interference. Do I really want to teach sign language to monkeys or is she right and I'm just doing it because I want to meet Pauly Shore someday?

I don't regret any lessons learned, even if it was painful or humiliating. Don't waste being an idiot by not learning anything. I'm grateful I have an awesome husband, even though he spent most of his morning texting me to complain about the DMV. He went back for his license after getting an eye exam and new glasses. I love his new license picture, taken after they told him they couldn't register his car because his car insurance still said Virginia, and the pure unadulterated rage that is immediately apparent in his tightened jaw and flared nostrils. Classic.