If you're worried you will spend another year as a boring miserable schlub with no way to make changes, I have some ideas to share with you.
#1 - Don't set obscene dieting goals that you aren't going to keep because it'll probably just make you fatter. Deprivation and food instability cause binging, self-loathing and late night pot brownie making. Solution? Just make yourself crap a lot by overdosing on supplements.
#2 - Get a pet because it's good for your health. Hell, even if it's a rock, learn to love something that isn't human. Oh yeah, no human pets, that's illegal and it doesn't put the lotion on its skin. Sure pets are messy and sometimes smelly, but they make you more active, happy and warm. Confession, I just want my friend Kate to get a dog. Kate, get a damned dog! I know what's good for you!
#3 - No longer be angry, sad or frustrated with anything that happened in 2013. The past is the past and letting go of the pure hatred you feel for the Rite-Aid cashier who didn't take your coupon, the co-worker who ate the last chocolate donut leftover from a meeting of people who make more money than you, and the relative who implied you gained a lot of weight or are a loser and it's very sad are not thinking about how angry you are. Only you are thinking about that, so give it up and move on. The best revenge is living well so lose a few pounds and take pictures of yourself at an exotic location they can't afford to visit while wearing a bikini and eating a cupcake. Fuck them. Ok, now move on.
#4 - Never take life advice from people who are miserable. We all know someone who likes to say things like "learn from my mistakes" or "I'm older than you, I know" or "I'm not giving you bail money unless you do what I say," but do not EVER take life advice from negative people, miserable people, those that are lamer and more boring than you ever expect to be, or people you don't enjoy being around.
#5 - In political debates, which are back in fashion, if you find yourself in one or many, just tell the other person their facts are wrong and then make some false statements of your own. It's really fun, you can both have a good laugh about how the truth has no place in politics, and then go get some rum punch together. It does not matter which side you are on.
#6 - Accept Kanye West is finally wrong and read more. I know I know, I love him, too, but he's wrong about books being stupid. Don't trust that advice, you really should read more.
#7 - Do something nice for yourself as often as you can. Sure people will complain and file human rights abuse complaints all over the world about you enslaving orphans to give you pedicures, but c'mon, the average brutal dictator needs to relax just as much as a Wall Street banker. Be good to yourself, don't feel guilty about it and pay yourself first.
#8 - Waste less time, but not if you consider reading my blog a waste of time. You will regret wasted time much more than misspent time. There's a huge difference. Misspent time often means you actually did something and it taught you a lesson, but wasted time looking at crap on Instagram that makes you wish you were on vacation or mentally correcting the grammar flubs in your Facebook feed is a waste of time. Take a walk, eat a piece of fruit or practice balancing an avocado on your nose, instead. Even if you are allergic to fruit or the Danny DeVito Penguin bit your nose off, it's a better way to spend your time.
And lastly, because 9 is my lucky number,
#9 - Kate! Get a F*cking dog! Just kidding. Spend more time keeping in touch with people you don't see in person as often as you used to that goes beyond commenting on a wall, poking, or clicking a "like" button. Alternately, respond to someone who did that for you with genuine communication, like a response to an email or voicemail, instead of just using a "like" button or wall post. You never know, they might be in somebody's 2014 death pool or behind on a payment with their bookie, so you should answer when I call.
No comments:
Post a Comment