Happy Easter! Let Your Kids Eat Off The Ground!

Yeah, take your little ones out and let them pick things up in the grass and shove it in their mouths. What could go wrong? I don't understand the relationship between religion, bunnies and the amazing chocolate that comes along with the Easter holiday, but I approve. Is the Easter Bunny a false idol? Or not really because you eat him full of peanut butter? There is something special about Easter candy that is better than every other holiday's candy. With Halloween, it's mostly every day candy just in a smaller size and that's cool, but you get a box of good'n'plenty or raisins in there and it blows up the whole experience. Also, are Dots really on par with a mini Snickers? Has Easter become a gift-giving holiday? That's just greedy. I mean, you get all of this amazing candy like Peepsters, Cadbury Creme Eggs, jelly beans and birthday-cake-flavored chocolate eggs, but now you want a present?

If you're one of those parents who is like "oh I don't want to give my kids all that sugar" can you just shut your face because you're ruining Easter for the rest of us. When I see your kids, I'm going to be like Yeah, have fun trying to eat that sidewalk chalk, you little chump, I'll be over here stuffing my face with marshmallow creme. Your mom is lame. Then I might wag a finger pridefully, and it will be covered with melted chocolate and red dye 40.

I think my little ones in the liberry have a touch of Spring Fever lately. Last week, one 3rd grader leaned over to a classmate and whispered "you're a little bitch." Unfortunately, this prompted the little bitch to jump up, straddle the student who antagonized him, and punch the crap out of him for a few minutes. When he jumped off, he said "that's what happens when you call me a bitch," and then stormed out like a boss. I was relaying this unfortunate story to my program director and she said sympathetically, yeah, I know, they just get violent sometimes. We have a second-grade teacher that had to go on leave because her class was forming a plot to murder her with knives they brought from home. Luckily, the plot was found out. Then, I smiled and nodded, backed away slowly and let all of my kids know how much I loved them and how special they were to me and why would you want to murder someone who loved you so much? Then I put a cake pan under my shirt in case anybody did try to stab me. . . Let's just review: second-grade kids are 7 years old. Dang.