A very dear soul has done me a huge/remarkable favor this week, I became the proud owner of a semi-affordable-because-it's-refurbished Dyson Animal vacuum and I still have my hand intact after cutting it in/near a water park crawling with bacteria and feces. Such is the life of excitement for a person who spends days in solitary, writing novels and short stories that people don't ask about or read, unless it's to tell me "they don't read things like that." Just because I write geriatric vampire and dragon YA porn, doesn't mean I don't work.
I went to America’s oldest amusement park recently - a place where there was a stretch in which people were dying on the regular at Lake Compounce in drownings and ride malfunctions. Although, unlimited soda comes with the cost of admission. There’s that. If a wire doesn’t snap on the free fall, lopping off your dangling feet, the insidious sugary overflow of soft drinks at your disposal could diabete-you eventually. I did not get in the water.
At the inevitable moment when I had to use the restroom, I was shocked that a young girl, dripping wet with water park funk, commented on my use of the electric hand dryer, telling me it was unsanitary. Before I could consider whether I was close enough for her that microbes could jump off of her and onto me, I’d already blurted out “you’re a fucking idiot.” Lucky for me, she didn't rip it out of the wall and beat me with it.
As I sat in my beach chair, shaded by an umbrella and far from any water, I was googling the death toll at the park when I noticed that I’d somehow cut my thumb! I looked around wildly, from Tampon Bay to Pinkeye Gully, afraid that flying droplets of streptococcus B would reach my bloodstream. Luckily, I already had antibiotics in my system because of my glaucomic sty and my immune system had help. It was a close call, all around.
It's incredible, though, when someone does you a really big favor that means a lot to you, but is fairly easy for them. I've been thinking of ways to thank "Donna," and here is my short list:
1) Get a new kitten, name it "Donna"
2) Get a puppy, name it "Donna"
3) Write True Blood Fan Fiction episode in which "Donna" is the cure and brings my favorite werewolf back to life, but is the one female character whose boobs we never see
4) Get Donna a kitten, name it "Rachel"
If you have any ideas for a really big thank you for "Donna," please let me know.
Oh yes, and I was also introduced to micro-greens which make no sense to me. Why are they called micro? Also, they are purple. However, I'm convinced they will be the new kale, so you better get your fat, juicing ass to the nearest store and get some micro-greens if you want to survive cancer/heart disease/ADHD/hamster uprisings.
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