Give Thanks and Remember Why I Only See My Family Once a Year

I have a large family, particularly on my mother's side, where she is one of ten. My gramma, aka "the machine," looks great for having popped out 8 of them - so great, in fact, that since retirement she's gotten married twice - bringing her lifetime marriage total to 4. Gramma's been married 4 times. On this side of the family, I'm one of 15 grandchildren and the oldest female and only female who is not either married, a parent or both. States had to go and make gay marriage legal so now I'm last woman standing.

I called Gramma recently because she moved from Florida to New Hampshire, I missed her birthday and haven't talked to her since the summer. She doesn't care about my new job, new apartment, all of the orphans I saved from that burning building - first question: "How's your love life?"

The last time she could make comments in an open forum, she told me I was too old to find a man and to just head to the sperm bank. I'm concerned for our family dinner on Sunday. Would it be cheeky to tell her I'm really in no rush because, after all, her marriages didn't even get good until she was in her sixties, so I have plenty of time? We have quite a few great-grandchildren in the family and they are cute and all, but they're always screaming and pooping - why would you want someone to bring another one of those? Actually, thanks to all of those little yard apes, I'll probably get totally ignored - which would be perfect. Happy Thanksgiving! I'm thankful that all of my relatives who went to prison won't be coming to dinner this year!