How did we meet? Serial killer convention. . .

This is my least favorite question to answer because I'm ashamed that I dipped my toe in the water of online Jewish dating. There is an awkward stigma, that I personally help to forward, that online dating is bad and full of rejects who only communicate in Chewbacca gutteral grunts and eat children and the elderly in their spare time. I've online dated in the past with mixed results and recently decided to try it again now that I have Ruth Bader Catsburg's spiritual future to consider and she's already demanding kosher cat food.

I'm not religious or practicing and don't actually even believe in god, unicorns or the magical powers of virgins - but Judaism is a values system that I was raised with and I wanted to find someone like-minded. I quickly came up with nicknames for everyone I was meeting. I only met three candidates as I was quickly able to surmise, through minimal emailing, that even Jews are uninteresting morons, though they may be the chosen people.

The first guy, Moneybags McTroll, managed to squeeze it into the conversation that his tie cost $100, he paid more in taxes last year than I made in my annual salary, and he was going through an ugly divorce that would involve a paternity test for the second child because his soon-to-be ex-wife cheated during pregnancy (mayhaps before) and evidence was inconclusive. I had a Thai chicken dish that was served in a whole half pineapple. Isn't that neat?

The second guy was a lawyer who also volunteered at soup kitchens. Less creatively, I called him soup-kitchen-lawyer. We hung out a few times and he always kissed me and he always hit my teeth with his teeth, which freaked me out. Ultimately, I shut that down because he keeps kosher at home and I thought it was a distinct possibility that his parents had sex through a hole in a sheet. It was intimidating and I let him know and he spent the next week and a half trying to talk me out of it and when I finally had the right answer, he asked me for references for other chicks he could date. He's a fine catch ladies - anyone interested? Jewesses?

Third time's a charm and so far, it's been fun with Jewish Karl Rove (he's in politics and it's evil).