Set To Wed On The Fly - Sources Inside The Relationship Say No Baby Involved

That was the headline of my wedding invitation that went out last night via the interwebs. I'm getting married this month. WOOOOooohhh?

It all started out as a normal stressful Wednesday at work and then, all of a sudden, I got fired for calling my boss a fu*king idiot. Second time in a row, dang. JKR came over immediately to "help" me deal with stress. I wasn't financially prepared to be fired and naturally, I had some concerns. My worries about going without health insurance at a time when I've discovered I actually have a little problem that health insurance would be invaluable for led to a darling proposal from JKR:

If you marry me, you can get on my health plan, which is quite good.

There were also many declarations of love and support. I slept on it for 16 hours and then decided that it was a great idea. It actually is a great idea, we're a great team and had pretty much already decided we were going to stick this out permanently.

We now had many things to think about. Would I take his last name? Would we combine names to make a super Jewy new last name? How many outfits could I buy for this occasion? We needed to tell people stat since our plan was a celebration on Memorial Day and that was only 24 days away. I made a few calls and sent a few text messages and my friends and family were excited.

He had a lot of anxiety around calling his parents because he thought he could get disowned for this. He called his father and he didn't freak out, he just asked the all-important question: If she dies a month after you get married, are you responsible for her student loans? I'm excited to be a part of their family! My dad cracked a bottle of champagne and a pie. His mom wanted us to immediately set up a registry so that people could buy gifts. This entailed going to the mall and that didn't go well. The mall is not where I shine.

I have a lot of mixed feelings around the registry process. JKR said we could register for an awesome new coffee maker. I said why would we do that, we already have a nice, working coffee maker that I got for $12. Yes, he said, but we could get a better one. But we have one that works just fine. Does not compute.

We went to Macy's because JKR heard there was a "gun" involved and the woman sat us down and spent ten minutes explaining a coupon book. This process was not meant for people like me. I never even thought I'd get married at all and all of the traps of planning a wedding do not appeal to me in the slightest. I've been asked what my "colors" are going to be and if it's not a gang affiliation, I don't know how to answer that question. So the woman with the coupons was blathering on about place settings and reading aloud from a booklet and I was staring off into space. I finally interrupted her and told her we were going to ask for 6 things that we didn't have and could we go do that because we didn't need all of this other stuff. We scanned things and the prices were outrageous. That salad bowl is really cool, but for $150, wouldn't that cash better be spent on saving up for bail money? After a few minutes, I did get into it a bit. I would point at things that just looked cool and he would scan it with the gun. Ohhh that bathmat feels nice - scan it! The little one, too, so I have a place to rest my feet while I'm on the toilet! After about an hour and a half of this, we returned our gun to the annoying lady who wanted to read us an instruction manual about how to tell people to buy us crap. The gun actually recorded nothing and our registry was still empty. What was all of that beeping? Meltdown ensued. Not only was I feeling guilty that the process tapped into a big ball of greed that I clearly didn't know I had, it was all wasted time. We do need a new set of sheets, but all of the "nice" sheets at Macy's were around $80-120. Can't I register for a $30 pair of sheets at Marshall's? Can't I register at a tag sale?

I thought that by getting married last minute and just throwing a backyard party meant that I would escape a shower, and people wouldn't buy us gifts because you only get that if you have fittings and tell people a year in advance. Putting together a registry made me feel like I was demanding presents. Choosing those presents for myself made me feel greedy and selfish. What if my guests choose buying me a crockpot or a loaf pan instead of feeding their goldfish that day and it dies? I can't live with that. I just wanted to celebrate with people that I met the most amazing guy ever, we click so comfortably and easily, and we're going to form a legal and binding contract of ownership around that.