Movie Reviews: The Hobbit Gave Me Indigestion & Other Pieces of Crap

Bad movies are upsetting, particularly if I've paid for them. When I accidentally thought Pitch Perfect would be good and made the mistake of buying tickets at a theater, I asked the manager for a refund. He said no and then gave me a fake parking validation, but my point was made. To no one.

My husband and I watched The Hobbit on t.v. because it's HBO's free movie this month. My biggest, but not only, gripe is that it ends in the middle of the story. It's a 3-hour travel quest that is stupid, predictable, has forty-five minutes of non-essential footage and made me want to yell at Peter Jackson when the characters basically got dropped off at the wrong bus stop and the film ended. I wasted three hours of my life for the point of the movie to not even have been made. Did Peter Jackson not finish reading the book before production? Why was this incomplete movie made and sold to the public? It had no ending! I thought it was cutting to commercial after three hours because who makes a goddamned movie with no ending?

Bad movies frustrate me more than bad television (S.H.I.E.L.D.? Why would I watch that? I've already seen the first two seasons of Heroes like 4 years ago) because so much cash and resources go into them. It's not my money, but it's such a waste and a drain on the collective intellect, that I feel there should be punishment. For example, there are two new Hangover movies out - one is the third in a series that duplicates itself and the other is a slight variant with old dudes and it has Morgan Freeman and Kevin Klein in it. That makes me sad because those are two great actors, but I don't want to watch Hangover III or worse, Grumpy Old Hangover and see shirtless geriatrics with caved in chests and speckles of curly white hair over wrinkly old man nipples. EIWWW. I just made myself shudder. Anyway, back to Peter Jackson's punishment: first, he would have to take my mom's cat Ollie. We tried to integrate him, even renamed him P.F. Chang, but mostly we call him Fat Nuisance.

Fat Nuisance got into the bad habit of pooping and peeing on the area rug in our living room, which we had to throw out because the SpotBot, baking soda, and pet enzymes couldn't kill the cat urine smell. Peter Jackson, however, deserves to live with that smell. Also, I feel like Peter Jackson now owes me a favor. Second punishment is that he gets his eyelids taped open and watches Grumpy Old Hangover on a constant loop for 24 hours. That'll teach him to make stupid egotistical movies with no ending. Then, he has to go work for Congress for a year and do nothing but listen to constituent concerns. That means "the public."