You're Never Too Old To Get Drunk And Act Like An A-hole With Your Friends

Happy birthday to my dear friend, Pulled Pork. She prefers the nickname Cocobun.

Last Friday, I had the opportunity to go out for drinks with a few of my closest friends. We hadn't seen each other in a few months: I moved away, Cocobun got a promotion at work, another friend had a baby and another has gone back to school and is constantly mired in exams, papers and presentations. Ahh adulthood.

We got hammered, I hugged a big fat guy about ten times, named him Biggie Littles, and told him there was a girl out there for him somewhere, all while busting a move to "Push It," which I requested like three times and the DJ played because I was one of only four people on the dance floor. Guess who the other three were. . .

I was not a good friend to Cocobun that night because I decided to play matchmaker with her and a young man who was at the bar by himself. He stuck out in the crowd not only because he was alone, but because he was dressed like an alien zombie with full effect Hollywood-level make-up and hair treatment. He works for Google or something. He's a nerd, she's a nerd, it seemed like a good idea even though he was solo, dressed in a costume the day after Halloween at a non-costume party, and proudly showing strangers before and after pictures of himself. When I called Cocobun to wish her a happy birthday, she reminded me that I did this and then sent me photographic evidence:

My friend with the new baby was having her first night out since pre-pregnancy and she got in trouble with her mom, who was babysitting, when she got home at 2 a.m. because her mom was worried. I had to abandon my car in the parking lot and pick it up the next day. Contrary to the way this all sounds, I'm usually a very good friend. As a matter of fact, I just let the people at Wendy's disrespect me so that I could get my husband chicken nuggets as an after dinner and after dessert snack (we'll talk about his eating another day). They were sort of refusing to serve me because I had some shady coupons for free frosties and I had to wait for all of the people in line behind me to get their orders before they would give me a 6 piece chicken nugget order with honey mustard and sweet and sour sauce. My point is, I do things for others, like find them weirdos to date so they don't have to waste their time on the internet, and cash in embarrassing coupons for free frosties.