Wednesday, December 18, 2013

White Santa Steals Your Retirement, Black Santa Punches You In The Face For Fun

Racist stereotypes! Not all white people work on Wall Street and destroy the economy. Just some of them. Why is everyone always picking on white folks? It's hard enough coping in a world where the caucasian stomach lurches at the idea of gluten, and now this crap about Santa?

Frankly, I don't care who I get my free shiz from. I'll take presents from black people. If you're black and you want to give me a present, just send me an email and I'll be happy to get that from you. I've been really good and I deserve it. Actually, I don't care what color you are, anyone can give me presents. So Latinos, Asians, Pacific Islanders and Antarctic penguins, please don't feel left out. Go to the store and get me some nice gloves and socks and a remote-controlled helicopter strong enough to carry a fat cat across the room - in the true spirit of the economic season that our national retail industry depends on for life-sustaining dollars.

Also, has anyone been punched in the face as part of that Knockout game? Shouldn't we be more worried about teenagers getting guns? If they punch once and then run off and call it a night, I'm pretty ok with that taking the place of bursting into crowded school cafeterias and shooting up other students. Maybe if we let our teenagers punch more, we wouldn't have a gun violence problem? I think we've found our answer. It's the perfect new crappy reason to wash away gun restrictions and background checks. If you let crazy people punch others, they'll stop shooting! I'd like the tagline for this campaign to be "punch away the violence." Too bad the perfect graphic I found is already being used by another cause:



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