I dare you to touch this pulsing bulge on my leg

This thing on my leg has been previously checked out by a doctor and determined to NOT be a tumor. It comes and goes and when it's here, it's really painful and I whine a lot and demand to be carried around in a sedan chair by kindergarteners like this:

So it's been here and I decided to go back to the doctor who first said it was a tumor and then probably tendonitis of the hamstring or bursitis because the MRI came back not showing any tumors. The pain was so bad this week that I couldn't get into my car and drive myself home-I had to walk the 2.5 miles to avoid the shifting and clutch and sitting. I worried about leaving my car because the neighborhood where I work is questionable. I worried first because the driver's side door doesn't lock and it would be easy for someone to get in it. I saw this documentary that talked about bums having a "soup kitchen" in your car, which is a giant bum orgy. Or maybe that was a Will Ferrell movie. Then, I worried that if someone tried to steal it, they would be in danger because the driver's side seatbelt is broken and needs to be clamped in to the passenger side and someone not knowing that could get seriously hurt in an accident with no seatbelt. I worried that the gas could be siphoned out because my gas door does not close, but then I remembered that my tank is almost empty. The car turned out to be fine.

To prep myself for another doctor's appointment, I went through an internal process that I always go through when facing a run-in with modern medicine: I google everything that can go wrong and then poll my friends about it. So, I asked a few people if I'd still be hot if my right leg were amputated. My dad said that some guys are into that, but not him, he prefers two legs and feet. My cousin said "maybe. . .well, umm, ok no." One of my friends said I had nice eyes and that would make me still hot. Another friend said I'd make a hot amputee and JKR said I'd still be hot and he'd carry me around like a Sherpa. I'm now wondering if I could get that deal without having to sacrifice my leg.

This doctor previously suggested a cortisone shot and I declined because I'm afraid of steroids. I'm already tough and muscular as it is and nobody can afford me on 'roid rage. However, at my appointment, he had my pants half off before I'd fully agreed to go through with the shot. He called in a nurse to help me, cued up the shot and answered my questions about whether there would be side effects, blood loss and staining of my clothing in rapid succession while jamming the needle into my butt cheek. I'm not squeamish about needles or pain - I've been dealing with this painful non-tumor condition for more than a year and don't have issues with giving blood or shooting up heroin - but I do not like medical treatment, prescriptions or going to the doctor or hospital. I can cut my own hair (I do that because I'm cheap), and I can perform my own surgeries. That's how I roll. The next day, after watching a few healing episodes of Long Island Medium, it's still sore and swollen. I might operate later.