Parenting Is Only Funny On T.V.

I think I've decided I'd be ok with never having children. I can't imagine giving up all of my personal freedom, getting fat and going broke for some little parasite that will hate me after 14 years of devoting my whole life to it.

If sanctions are dropped and the doors open to Cuba in a few years and I can go there without having to detour through Canada, will I be able to? Not if I have succumbed to societal pressure and brought yet another baby carbon footprint into this world. There's no Castro-Disney to take baby parasite to, so I'd have to compromise, which just means go somewhere I'm not interested in going. Snooze. If I can't take my dream vacation and fly to Cuba to arm wrestle Raul Castro - why even live to tomorrow?

Now that I'm 52, shouldn't some maternal instincts and desires be kicking in? They're not. I spend a lot of time with my cousin's kids - and they're really great and smart and funny - but last night I stole one of their juicyjuice juiceboxes while they weren't around and poured vodka in it and watched adult-themed television shows about black people making fun of white people. Can't do that with kids around. I'd rather get a pet monkey. Most monkeys don't go to college unless they qualify for a mascot program or are extremely gifted and even then, they probably don't pay tuition. That sounds like a way better deal. My father told me once before that kids ruin everything and I'm starting to believe him. I mean, he's totally going into that bad nursing home with the leaking plumbing and the aides that beat the elderly, but once in a while he comes up with a gem.

I think I've really come upon some wisdom here, but I do have to worry about the ole' ball and chain. He's pro-parasites. I'm thinking of getting him a puppy and then signing him up for the Christian Children's Fund where he could adopt a little kid in the developing world who walks 7 miles to school each day and uses our thirty-five cents a week to eat porridge and avoid rickets. So close to the same thing, except we can still take vacations and eat the fancy pepperoni at the grocery store.