Want To Teach Baby Valuable Life Lessons? Bring Them To My House

It's a death trap and a learning tool.

We could start small while I teach your baby that they don't need all of those expensive space-sucking toys when I've got a shin-high basket of wires they can get into. This is a great opportunity to learn about strangling and choking hazards, as well.

Let's say you have one of those really great babies who only likes small, inexpensive toys like the slinky. Well, there are stairs everywhere in my house

from this black hole at the edge of my
living room leading into my haunted damp basement

to the flight of crooked slats up into the master bedroom. Baby as human slinky is fun and teaches boundaries about avoiding concussions. There is so much learning opportunity here, we could almost skip the bathroom.



Actually, the bathtub is a great lesson because remember when Baby Jessica got trapped in that well and it was riveting, sad, scary national news until she was rescued? You can avoid all of that fear and risk with this classic 1971 blue sunken bathtub. There is no lesson quite like falling into a deep, dank pit after Mommy told you not to go in there. Baby needs to learn to stay away from deep, dank pits and holes in the ground. I can help you hammer that point home. My bathtub is truly terrifying.

Look how close that water is to my back deck - so serene, you could almost reach out and touch it - and if you're a baby, you can reach out and fall right off the deck onto the ground fifteen feet below. Those rails are very very wide.

Oh look, sweetie, a boat!

If you want your baby's birthday party to be a unique and insightful learning experience, giving them potential physical scars to serve as a constant safety reminder, instead of a tired regurgitation of some annoying movie about sisters and snow, reserve my home now. There are some party hats left over from something that are pointy, sharp, and could poke an eye when the elastic chin strap snaps into your baby's face as they rip it off their cute, sweet little noggin.

Sidenote: This is my adorable nephew, who helped me realize all of these things last night when he came over for dinner. Isn't he just the cutest little sugar-dumpling? He has a baby brother on the way in December.