1) Scratch-offs and booze speak to the heart of what we all want at all times: effortless money and a slight buzz.
2) Grab a shitty chochke that someone has given you and dab it with a paint or stain and then wrap it delicately up with a nice note about how you made it in a pottery/wood-working/glass-blowing/candle-making/book-binding class just for the recipient.
3) A George Foreman Grill from CVS. That place just has so much.
4) Break out the crayons and pens you stole from the office and decorate a nice "coupon" for dinner and a bottle of wine at your house in the new year because what you really want is to spend more time with the recipient. You'll only have a week or so before you have to either move or fake your own death to get out of it, so this is a last resort.
To avoid giving gifts, here's my go-to excuse list:
1) The season inspired me to become a Jehovahs Witness and we don't give or receive gifts, please keep whatever you got me (only use this one for people who give shitty gifts, like me)
2) Smash your car window and tell recipients that your car was broken into and all of the presents were stolen out of the back seat (If you don't have a car, punch yourself in the face and say you were mugged and the gift was in your pocket)
3) That was TODAY?
4) But my UPS delivery notification says it was left at your door yesterday. What could have happened?
The only real rule in all of this is don't go broke trying to make people love you. They still won't. Happy 8th night of Hanukkah!
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