What/Whom To Avoid In 2015

- Folks who correct your pronunciation by repeating a word you just said in a snootier voice than the one you used. The only exception to this rule is if you say "nukular" because that is a dangerous mispronunciation that will literally (not figuratively) destroy our civilization if it continues unchecked. Other than that, ditch folks who are like "neeeesh" after you say "nitch."

- Schools. They've become increasingly dangerous places and it's just best to stay away from them. If you go to one, just stay home from now on and learn things from the internet.

- Long lines that lead to nothing better than a new cell phone. This was always a dumb idea, but if Paul McCartney or the woman who had excessive plastic surgery to look like a cat aren't at the end of a 2 day queue, you're teetering on the verge of a meaningless existence.

- Folks who are better than you. It might be in your head, or it might be in theirs, but if it's hanging between you, find someone else to hang out with that you not only feel is your equal, but who clearly treats you like an equal. Either that, or friends with bigger, shittier problems than yours and then you can be the condescending blob who is better.

- Workout classes that have "body" in the title of the class - the only exception to this is if the title is "healthy body at rest"

- Going to prison. Orange Is The New Black is a great show, but it glorifies the prison system by portraying the endless friends you can make and giving useful tips all the time, like how many different uses you can find for a maxi-pad, but you should avoid going to prison. It's not as fun as you think.

- Brussels sprouts because those things are the equivalent of a rotting tree taking a crap and then people eating it. Why do these things keep showing up at meals? They are the devil's vegetable and they cause ugliness in children.

A happy and joyous new year to all! George H.W. Bush ruins my death pool every year, so I'm not doing one today. He'll tease us all by going to the hospital a few days before the end of the year and then bam, before you know it, he's taking the ALS challenge. Not falling for it this time.