Black Friday Is Racist

That's the word we use when we want to shame things into not existing, right? I hope that since stores are going to open Thursday this year, somebody is going to coin the phrase Brown Thursday. Going to Walmart to get a special deal on a barrel of holiday-themed Cheetos and a solar-powered alarm clock on Brown Thursday could get you out of washing dishes, at least. Otherwise, Christmas shoppers have ruined going to the store for the next month.

I'm going to enjoy my whole week, but will not be doing any unnecessary shopping at all because I hate Christmas shoppers. They are worse than old people fighting over the last bag of Werther's Original hard candies at the grocery store. Thanksgiving is a great American holiday not tied to any religious group. It's about relaxing, hanging out, eating until it hurts to inhale and pretending it was a "chemical" in the food that makes you fall asleep in front of people with your pants half off. This glorious tradition is being ruined by religious extremists insisting on shopping for their god. A dang shame. I started enjoying my week Sunday by going to the movies, smuggling in my own candy, and seeing the latest Hunger Games flick. Quick bootleg candy note - a word to M&Ms, and even Doritos while I'm at it, you should do mixed bags of all your flavors together. Back to Hunger Games: The books were also fabulous and if you know how to read, I highly recommend them. Kids fighting to the death, extreme weather conditions, government torture and repression makes it a fun ride the whole family will enjoy. I saw a preview for a new movie about Noah's ark. It's a serious drama about Noah and his family building the ark and saving animals and stuff. Spoiler alert: he doesn't let any dinosaurs on. I guess Russell Crowe is going to be our generation's Charlton Heston. I love previews. I tried to think of which holiday the Noah's Ark story could best be associated with for repeated annual showings - Earth Day? Election Day?

We're spending Thanksgivukkah in Connecticut with my family. See that? Two holidays sort of overlap and all that happens is a few menu enhancements. Take a lesson, Christmas, and stop acting like that annoying lilac deodorant that was on sale and overpowers my favorite perfume. We've lined up a catsitter for our horde of fuzzy a-holes. A nice enough girl that doesn't think it's weird our apartment smells like baking soda and we have kitty litter on the floor in main areas in lieu of rugs (that we had to throw out because of P.F. Chang). Truffles comes to Connecticut with us to celebrate her birthday and because we're too cheap for a kennel. Truffles is trying to lose a few pounds before the holiday binge-eating:

She always works out with an audience:

I would bring Ruth Bader Catsburg to Thanksgiving if I could. She's the most low maintenance animal currently living as part of our circus. The other two cats are fat, loud and unruly. It's really tough to travel with a cat, though. I'm pretty sure we don't have anything else left that's nice enough that we'd be bummed if they destroyed it, but I'm sure they could prove me wrong. Whenever I tell my husband I wish we had fewer cats he says "well, Rocky is already 11, so he's not got much longer," which is totally untrue. Cats live a very long time, even in very poor health, and Rocky will probably continue to be a fat nuisance for at least 8 more years. We've extended our lease agreement with P.F. Chang until January 15, at which point he gets released into the wild if my mom doesn't take him back. These animals are cramping my style and taking up the space I'd rather use for raising chinchillas.

Hello Holiday Muffin-Top

My birthday is in two weeks and I know what I want: everyone's leftover Halloween candy. My husband gets anxious about buying me gifts because he's worried I won't like it, but really I like everything. The problem is, I break or lose everything, so nobody should give me anything nice. Last year he gave me a beautiful necklace with my birthstone and currently, I can't find it. I haven't done a hard search yet, but I'll get to that and I'm sure it'll turn up. All of my clothes pretty much have a food or wine stain somewhere on them that won't ever come out. A really thoughtful gift for me is probably a nice rubber big-girl bib (if you already ate all your Halloween candy like a pig).

Christmas commercials started airing while I was watching my nieces and nephews prepare for trick-or-treating. So pull that Halloween witch off your door, spray paint it white and stick it on top of a tree. Also, get ready to feel like your life is totally inadequate unless someone has given you a tablet, a new car wrapped in a giant red bow or a diamond ring. Can't we just start slow with a few cranberry sauce commercials to get warmed up? We have to jump right on Santa's lap November 1st?

"My" holidays are all in a crunch this year. If you haven't heard, Hanukkah overlaps Thanksgiving to form Thanksgivukkah. Latkes and turkey at the same table? Yes, please. Also, Truffles turns 1 on November 29th. Hanukkah is probably the most festive of Jewish holidays, because most are pretty depressing and revolve around planting trees, not eating, apologizing to people or slavery - but Hanukkah is about setting fires and eating foods cooked in oil, which is a less fatty sounding way of saying "fried." Traditional Hanukkah dessert? Jelly donut. Keep your cheap Christmas tree-shaped sugar cookies, Santa, I'm all set. To prepare, today was my first day of having a workout in about a week. I missed a week because I was getting over my third cold in a month. My kidneys hurt from all of the DayQuil I've been taking and everyone is really sleepy from me keeping them up all night with my hacking cough. My grandfather on my mother's side had one leg, emphysema and asbestosis. He was confined to a wheelchair and kept a paper bag strapped to the side so he could spit into it all day long as he coughed things up. That's been me, I've been Grampa Fox for about a week, but I'm on the mend. He also liked to drink and one time my grandmother cut off his booze supply and the police caught him rolling his wheelchair up a highway ramp trying to get to the liquor store. Happy Holidays!