I met my better half's extended family at a brunch orchestrated by his mom so I would have to kiss strangers on the cheek. What if I had gotten a cold? Or herpes? The brunch was to celebrate our marriage in May that many couldn't attend due to short notice (we also didn't invite any of them). Invitations for the "real" event in May were reserved for internet clergy, compulsive gamblers and moonshiners. No polite folk allowed.
His mom's cousin gave me some sage marriage advice:
"You know what the secret is? Dirty motel sex. There are two kinds of sex in a marriage that are out of this world: make-up sex and dirty motel sex. Having trouble? Get to the nearest Motel 6 and work it out."
Then, to prove his point, he grabbed his wife and dragged her over.
"Honey, what's the best two kinds of sex?"
"Gawd, make-up sex and dirty motel sex. I mean, we were at a Costco the other day and THIS one said let's drive around the back!" she rolled her eyes, "not Sam's club, though!"
I called MY husband over to make sure I had witnesses and asked for a repeat of the advice. His response to the cousin? "Motel 6? That's disgusting, aren't you worried you'll get herpes?" (we share some major life fears)
"No! You don't even have to leave your own car!"
Actually, both of our cars are probably more disgusting than that. A bridge troll who loves fastfood lives in his and I forgot to close my windows when it rained and now my car stinks.
The cousin then offered me a percocette that he had sitting in his pocket. I thought the more traditional thing would have been to offer me a hard candy like a Werther's Original, but everyone's family is different. It was nice of him to share.
A very polite family friend asked me what I thought were the barriers to my books getting published. Umm, publishers keep saying no? Nazis? I wish I had said nazis.
An impolite friend of my husband's looked me up and down, nodded and said "well played." I can't exactly pinpoint all of the subtext he was going for with that, but it felt negative.
I did make friends with the great uncle who had his driver's license revoked after he drove his car through someone's livingroom. Glad the DMV was on top of that, but he's still a lovely man. Everyone was warm and friendly and I liked them a lot and glad I got to meet them.
Positives: I double-fisted petit-fours when nobody was looking (I hope nobody was looking). Also, I never ever have to do the people-pleasing crap again.
This post was LOL. I remember in-law gatherings. I have had many. Then I moved across the country.
ReplyDeleteI like your style, Jesse. If you have some sort of instructional manual like "How To Politely Alienate" I'd be much obliged. His family is mostly pretty awesome, so I'm not worried, but I want to be prepared.
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