Is Santa Getting Off My T.V. Now?

I'd like my regular programming back, please.

I hope everyone had a lovely holiday season - I celebrated December 25th, national Chinese food and movie day, in the traditional sense. I worked in the morning, came home, got tipsy and went to the movies to see This Is 40. We had tentatively planned to see Django Unchained, but weren't up for all of the violence and gore. Instead we went to see a film about how depressing and full of failure and humiliation real life is. Yay! It was funny and moving and my husband told me that reviewers had categorized it as a movie about "White People Problems." I hate that term and not because it's racist, but because it's grossly unfair. The subtext of calling something "White People Problems" is that they aren't real, or difficult enough to qualify as a problem, or that they are laughable. Problems is problems folks and the spirit of December 25th - or laundry day as it's also often called - is to accept that you don't really know anybody else's story, so don't judge unless they are wearing a really terrible outfit showing lots of butt crack and you want to take a picture and send it to me. Do that.

"Diabetes December" has not been kind to me. I had a check-up recently and discovered that since I've been married, I've put on 13 pounds. While we're proud that we beat the Kardashians with length of the relationship, I'm not proud that it's only been 7 months and I'm averaging 2 pounds a month in weight gain. Furious with myself, I googled various workout routines and exercise moves for things like hip fat, back fat, and squishy stomach. With all of the scientific terminology out there, everyone seems to use different words to describe the same thing, but I eventually found what I needed. I also had a meltdown in a dressing room and spent $85 on the Oprah-approved Unbelievabra. I don't really shine at the mall. I'm not going to push myself into some crappy diet where I only eat lemon rinds and laxatives, I'm just going to keep it simple and agree to myself: ok self, no more being a gluttonous pig. I'm also not waiting until January 1, this starts immediately and I'm going back to my stomach real estate theory. Every food takes up valuable stomach real estate so I have to really really like it or want it to give it prime location. I've eaten hundreds of brownies in my lifetime - what's so special about this one if there's no pot in it? I'm just going to be better and say no. I also keep forgetting to shave my legs so I feel really guilty that I did a bait and switch and now I'm totally letting myself go. "If I keep it soft so it doesn't scratch you, can I grow out my beard, sweetie?" I'm guessing he'd say no, but at least he'd let me down gently.