Lance Armstrong shouldn't take up space competing with athletes who have earned their place in the race naturally and through hard work, or with athletes who have been smart enough to not get caught doping yet. Lance, you can only compete with other doped up athletes, or formerly doped up athletes. Can Roger Clemens swim? I get it that you're sorry, although I was unclear as to whether or not Oprah forgives you, but that doesn't just mean you get to go back and compete again. Nobody wants to play with a cheater, except me because even if you didn't cheat I'd probably lose, but since you are a cheater, I can tell everyone you won through cheating and my loss had nothing to do with the fact that I can only ride a bike around the block before passing out.
Actually, I used to ride a bike as my sole mode of transportation and could easily manage 12 miles a day - until I fell off a mountain and got pretty banged up. For the past 12 months, I've been working on recovery from some of those leftover injuries. I have two herniated discs that led to a bad case of sciatica, which is very painful. I went to physical therapy for most of the summer and had been doing great, living pain free for months. I recently had a flare up and today was my first day back in physical therapy. To isolate the problem area, the PT jammed her thumb into my lower back until she found it. She pushed and prodded until I twitched and yelled.
"Yep, that's the spot," she said, poking harder, "does it hurt when I push on it?"
"Yes! YES!"
So she pushed harder, "Yeah, that sure hurts, that's the spot," poking it harder and harder, "we have to take care of that," jam jam jam! "It'll hurt for a little while as we fix it, you know"
"Yeah, probably because you're jamming your finger into it,"
"It acts up. Your back is flabby, you need to tone these muscles. You should be able to lift one leg up, stick it behind your ear, do calf raises on the other leg - no problem. Shouldn't be a problem at all, but it is. Because your back is flabby. You need to work on the back muscles."
That was my day. It was still better than yesterday when Truffles crapped all over the floor and then stepped in it, my friend accidentally dumped a cup of water on my car radio and it stopped working, and I accompanied a friend to a nursing home visit and ended up watching a lounge singer croon about blueberry hills and apple trees to a room full of zombies in wheelchairs. His keyboard had lots of fart noises programmed into it. He wore tinted sunglasses and lots of gold jewelry and looked like this guy:
He would tell everyone to clap and this would happen:
So screw you, Lance Armstrong.
No comments:
Post a Comment