My Mom Is On The Market

She's been divorced for almost four years now and hasn't dated yet, even though her ex-husband was a dumb dickface and we're all glad he's dead. Not dead in the sense that he's buried in a cemetery, but he's dead to us, and that's the same thing in my mind. I can always look back on the twenty-something years in which he was my step-father and say "thank god he died." She hasn't had a ton of luck in the husband department: her first husband cheated on her and her second husband was a total dickface. Thank god he died.

We talked about it and she's not that into internet dating. She won't admit it, but I think she's afraid of getting catfished by some fat, slurpy-guzzling bumpkin who would show up to a date on a tractor wearing denim overalls with no shirt.

Sometimes glasses make you look smart, and sometimes they have no effect at all.

I'm considering starting a "Stepdaddy Star Search" to find her a mate, but not exactly sure of what I'm even looking for. Let's see. . .
 - Someone nice who likes cats. She posts like a zillion cat photos and videos on Facebook per week. Gotta be into cats. Her other Facebook posts are about coffee,  so also gotta be into that.
 - Someone funny who can also laugh at themselves. My mom loves to laugh and if you really get her going, she will pee her pants. The right guy will appreciate that.
 - Someone with a sense of music appreciation. He doesn't have to love classical music, or be a rock classic aficionado or anything, but my mom will literally (not figuratively) break into song at any given moment so any beau will have to be ok with that and ok with her making up her own lyrics to radio favorites or even t.v. commercial jingles. She's like, really into that. In a good way.
 - No lazy bums. She works hard, full-time, and likes to socialize so any fresh meat entering the scene must also be a social animal. If he could be identified by forensic scientists based on a butt imprint he's left on any number of pieces of living room furniture, he's not a good choice for my mom. Gotta be friendly and like doing stuff like go look at covered bridges or something.

Looking for love and companionship is hard as f*ck at any age, so feel free to share dating tips with my mom. She doesn't drink and never wears the tight leather pants I bought her for her birthday, so bars are out. Think outside the box.