Do I Look Dilated To You?

I want to have this baby now. I'm hot and sweaty, slow and breathless, but really really hungry. I've gained 30 pounds and I haven't seen my own vagina in more than three months. I'd love for someone to tell me if it looks normal right now.

The first 7 and a half months, I was diligent about eating lots of fruit and vegetables, working out and staying active. That determination is gone and all I want is ice cream, the Double Dave with no mayo and extra pickles from Wendy's, and giant chunks of watermelon. I ate so much kale my first three months of pregnancy - because I wanted this kid to like kale, but I swear to god, if someone put a bowl of kale near my face right now, I'd bite their arm off.

I think my baby is afraid to come out because of the election. Most of my news updates and social media feeds are op-eds about Donald Trump. There are more op-eds written about Trump in a day than people have time to read.

This kid is trying to use my uterus as a bomb shelter to wait out the impending doomsday and I'm not having it. Come out and we all die together in the ball of fire that will inevitably descend on America that President Trump accidentally created because he's a lunatic. People just want a lunatic president now, the op-eds are useless and falling on deaf ears, but go ahead and write them, anyway, and then share them with your friends and family who already agree, or who never in a million years will admit that any of it is a bad idea. It's good to keep busy until President Trump ends things.

With the end looming, I'm aiming for a natural birth. My husband and I, as responsible first-time parents, went to a childbirth class recently. Right before we broke for lunch, a natural birth video was shown, paying special attention to a phenomenon known as the "ring of fire." It's when the baby's head crowns the birth canal and basically looks like a raccoon crawling out of a manhole. In the video, the birthing coaches "thoughtfully" put a mirror in front of the action so the mom could watch nature's little miracle unfold.My husband almost threw up after. I just wanted him to understand that he was in charge of making sure nobody puts a mirror in front of my birth to make me watch.

He's very excited to be a dad and is taking three weeks off to be with the baby. I'll probably take a day or two as well. For now, I'm obsessing about how dirty everything is and whether this thing will be allergic to pets. I hope not, because they love all his stuff.

I want to float in a pool until he arrives, but I don't have one and if I got in my bathtub, I don't think I could get out again. 

I was walking on some trails and slid and fell down a sloped portion and then couldn't get up. I was turtled, just kind of rocking from side to side looking for a way to get up without having to roll over face down into the dirt and then push myself up with my hands. It took a while. 

At a recent check-up, I had to submit to a cervical swab and after, I was invited to get up, but my whole backside was stuck to the paper that covers the table and it was all torn up and wadded into my butt cheeks and thighs and I was just trying to play it cool while not getting up. It's more embarrassing when they help. 

I would offer to be your designated driver, but if you have a breathalizer to start your car, we'll have to walk because I probably can't muster a deep exhale. 

I'm no longer worried about pooping during delivery because there's no dignity in pregnancy and it just prepares you for the eventuality of pooping in front of strangers and a raccoon crawling out of your manhole.