WRONG!

The Donald Trump candidacy is like an internet troll that isn't anonymous and that is running for president, right down to the mail order bride willing to suffer any pig just to have a better life. I like to refer to his supporters as the angry male TRUMPets because all they do is shout people down with nonsense, but I just can't stop being surprised by it all. I can't believe Trump has any female supporters left at all.

I'm mostly tuned out because a) I know who I am voting for and it doesn't matter who says what and b) I have a 2 month old baby and I don't have time or energy to get riled when I know Trump's going to lose, anyway. Also, there is no convincing anyone else. I'm not worried about the undecided voter - I'm convinced that is code for "I'm not really going to vote, but I don't want you to know that." I want the election over so Trump can crawl back into his golden toilet bowl with his mail order bride and we can be done with it.

I didn't support Clinton in the primary, but she has my sympathy. I'd be so pissed if I had to take the blame for everything my husband did - and to be honest, some of my friends already look at me weird because he likes to wear tube socks with shorts. Nobody side-eyes him for the inappropriate shit that I do.

Besides, he's a great partner to me. In 4 years of marriage, my husband and I very carefully avoided ever seeing one another go to the bathroom, but during childbirth, the nurses put in a catheter and drained my bladder without saying a word--before my husband could turn his face to the corner or pull his t-shirt over his head. He's still here.

After 40 hours of labor (25 unmedicated), the baby got stuck before I was fully dilated, so I had to consent to a c-section. All that hard work for nothing. Also, the anesthesia wore off during the procedure and I could feel the doctors slicing into me. I mean, even Hannibal Lechter got that right: slicing people up while they are conscious should be painless.

Why couldn't my anesthesiologist be more like this?

So now I have a baby and he's cool. I'm quite fond. I hope Trump doesn't get elected and end the world so that baby Lincoln can't enjoy it. In the beginning, we thought he was colicky, but it turned out he had some other issues that we were able to fix. At that point, it occurred to me that I could make billions by just inventing something for new parents and labeling it "anti-colic" - oh a painted yellow bat that is anti-colic for $49.99? I'LL TAKE IT.

I've already had to give up a couple of things. We started with a snuggle nest - a little tray that you can keep in your bed for baby so he's right there when you wake up and you don't roll over onto him during the night. I could open my eyes at any time in the night and see his little feet tossed over the side. My husband made me give it up because there wasn't enough room for him in the bed and he was curling up at our feet like a dog. After a few weeks, I finally agreed. Now he is in another room in his crib and I have to wonder if he is breathing, if his eyes are open and he is going to start screaming, or if a demon is lurking in the shadows of his room waiting to snatch him away to an unholy netherworld. Don't look at me like that, we all know it happens. I worry about weird stuff--like the chemicals used to make diapers, so I use the "natural" kind that aren't made with chlorine and weird gel and are biodegradable and it's basically like wrapping his ass in newspaper. He poops on my husband a lot. Meh, just laundry. He doesn't seem to mind.