ISIS vs. DRUG CARTELS

We hate Islamic extremists and we sort of hate drug cartels, although they can be a bit sexy and have such Hollywood appeal with their swarthy beard stubble and rough hands all over that kalishnikov rifle. . .

They both take over small villages, kidnap young girls as sex slaves, kill young men or force them into service of the gang, and leave "survivors" reeling from grief and living in fear. They've both created tremendous humanitarian crises resulting in refugees fleeing for the borders and destabilized governments.

Drug cartels in Central America are wreaking havoc. They are powerful, lawless, wealthy and cruel. It's a terrible combination. Thousands of families, widowed mothers and babies, and even unaccompanied children are fleeing these unstable war zones in places like El Salvador, Honduras and Guatemala for the U.S. border. Mostly, they are being sent to detention centers or deported, but it's a tremendous refugee crisis and these refugees are terrified to go home, although they're getting deported in record numbers. They aren't Muslim, though, and there's no access to oil down there, so who gives a crap? Can we talk about waging a Twitter war in Central America to try to convince desperate and unaffiliated Central Americans not to join up with the cartels? Hearts and minds, anybody? Oh, that's a dumb idea? Oh, ok. Well, what would put a stop to the murderous rampage going on down there that has destabilized the region and led to thousands of deaths and a U.S. border crisis? Oh, we don't care? Ok. Never mind.

My Lobbying Mission To Acquire A Lemur

What's a lemur? It's like a cat except it does interpretive dance.

I need one of these guys. We don't have any animals that walk on both two AND four legs, we have to diversify, it's like the first rule of investing! I have this awesome cousin who raises lemurs and sugar gliders (which is an adorable little squirrel-like animal that I can't have because our cats would kill it inside of five minutes) and this has fostered a very happy household. Clearly, getting a lemur is the only thing that could make us happy in this stage of our lives, post election and ripe for regrettable decisions about our futures.

Lucky for us, my husband worked for one of the few Democrats that didn't lose his job on election night. It's good news for him and my State, and therefore a perfect time to get a lemur. There is no better time, in fact. My husband is against it, but he's wrong. He's often wrong and I'm used to it, like that time he didn't want to get this:

Sure she hogs the t.v. remote and we're all forced to watch lame episodes of Two And A Half Men in syndication, but it's a small price to pay. He was wrong. I was right. Like that time I wanted a lemur. He was a crazed, tunnel-visioned maniac for four weeks and now that he's coming back down to earth and realizing a) how much I put up with and b) the election is over, he should also realize that we need a lemur to fetch the paper, pick small bugs out of our hair, dangle, and perform acrobatic tricks to amuse us because the price of cable has gone up and I want to cancel it but need alternate entertainment.

What are the reasons not to get a lemur?

• It might stink
• It has nails and could attack and hurt us
• Our dog and two cats might not get along with it
• My husband doesn't know he wants one yet
• Vet bills could be high because it's a rare animal and that's costly
• It could join ISIS
• I don't know if it's legal to have a lemur in Connecticut

There, now that we've faced our fears and discussed the cons, we can move forward and get a lemur, then name it something wacky like Chuck or Sandra Day O'Lemur. Lemalou Harris? Lemington Steele? Pope Lemur I? That way, it's clear that there will be a dynasty of lemurs.

I'm Ready For The President's Call About Iraq

It's probably no surprise to any reader that I'm more interested in funding public schools, paying down national debt and working toward income equality than spending money our government doesn't have waging another foreign war that we will lose. I don't fall in with the strategy of dropping fifty eight bombs each time an American is killed. I don't believe that ISIS/ISIL is endangering my freedom. They are barbarian warlords doing terrible things, not a nation-state government that is waging war on my right to buy citronella candles at 75% off to celebrate the end of summer. Maybe I'd be in favor of sending the Ferguson, MO police force, because they just want to kill stuff anyway. I can't say I really understand bloodlust. I know it's not exactly generational, but most of our leaders happen to be baby boomers, that same generation who "invented" the draft-dodger, but dang if they don't want to murder everybody now that they're at the helm. The worst mistake to be made would be thinking that more violence/bombs/intervention from America is going to fix Iraq's problems.

If one is tempted to complain that America looks weak because a desert wasn't obliterated before Labor Day, I would counter that we are weak, but not because we haven't killed or bombed enough. Weakness comes from the unwillingness to take care of one another, sniping at anybody who needs a little assistance to make ends meet and insisting they don't need or deserve any help in the form of food stamps, healthcare, or affordable housing. Our education system is faltering and we don't have the money to fix it, mostly because we spent trillions on war and what little is leftover has to pay for the care of some seriously damaged troops.

On the plus side, we're producing enough domestic oil to not have to steal it from the Middle East and install terrible leadership to keep it flowing to our Range Rovers. On the plus-er side, hybrid and electric vehicles are getting better and better every year, renewable energy technology is more common, and people are commuting on bicycles (Ok, like 3 people).

War should never be a knee-jerk reaction to any crazy shiz happening in the Middle East - or anywhere else, for that matter. A wise man once said that when people get afraid or things are happening that they don't agree with, they tend to cling to guns and religion. Whelp, that's ISIS. It's diplomatic coalition time. Long distance phone calls are cheaper than war.