My Lobbying Mission To Acquire A Lemur

What's a lemur? It's like a cat except it does interpretive dance.

I need one of these guys. We don't have any animals that walk on both two AND four legs, we have to diversify, it's like the first rule of investing! I have this awesome cousin who raises lemurs and sugar gliders (which is an adorable little squirrel-like animal that I can't have because our cats would kill it inside of five minutes) and this has fostered a very happy household. Clearly, getting a lemur is the only thing that could make us happy in this stage of our lives, post election and ripe for regrettable decisions about our futures.

Lucky for us, my husband worked for one of the few Democrats that didn't lose his job on election night. It's good news for him and my State, and therefore a perfect time to get a lemur. There is no better time, in fact. My husband is against it, but he's wrong. He's often wrong and I'm used to it, like that time he didn't want to get this:

Sure she hogs the t.v. remote and we're all forced to watch lame episodes of Two And A Half Men in syndication, but it's a small price to pay. He was wrong. I was right. Like that time I wanted a lemur. He was a crazed, tunnel-visioned maniac for four weeks and now that he's coming back down to earth and realizing a) how much I put up with and b) the election is over, he should also realize that we need a lemur to fetch the paper, pick small bugs out of our hair, dangle, and perform acrobatic tricks to amuse us because the price of cable has gone up and I want to cancel it but need alternate entertainment.

What are the reasons not to get a lemur?

• It might stink
• It has nails and could attack and hurt us
• Our dog and two cats might not get along with it
• My husband doesn't know he wants one yet
• Vet bills could be high because it's a rare animal and that's costly
• It could join ISIS
• I don't know if it's legal to have a lemur in Connecticut

There, now that we've faced our fears and discussed the cons, we can move forward and get a lemur, then name it something wacky like Chuck or Sandra Day O'Lemur. Lemalou Harris? Lemington Steele? Pope Lemur I? That way, it's clear that there will be a dynasty of lemurs.