It's nice to be back here with ma bros and hos and bitches in between. Whatever the hell that means. Yesterday, I ate Mexican jumbalaya from some little dive across the street from my hotel and my room smelled like a burrito farted for the rest of the night. Not because of me, but because the remnants of the cheesy, beansy soup were sitting on the nightstand. I would have disposed of it outside the room, but I was busy being pantsless and watching the news while lying diagonally across the puffy bed to cover as much surface area as possible and using every single pillow to ensure maximum efficiency of hotel resource usage. Just like I shampoo twice to make sure I empty the little bottle. . .then put the shower cap on for a few hours because if it's there, you have to use it, right? Just kidding, I just made myself sound like an ignorant vagrant who wins a contest and stays at a Best Western for a weekend and then uses the hotel room trash can as a chamber pot.
Funny coincidence: my brother is also in L.A. this week visiting friends. He invited me to a party on the night of the Oscars, but there was no way in hell I was taking my life into my hands and going to that. He said there was nothing to worry about because it's L.A. and nobody is aggressive. . . uhh except for you. I love my brother, but he could probably get the Dalai Lama into a bar fight.
So, hotel t.v. isn't full of the best choices. I can basically watch news channels or crime dramas that seem to revolve around a theme of raping and kidnapping children. I miss Jerry Orbach, y'all. I've been watching a lot of television news and the way they pick apart every single story of child-on-child violence happening all over the country freaks me the hell out. Stories this week of school shootings, fights being filmed, cyberbullies on trial and a little girl beaten to death in an elementary school fight led me to a few conclusions about how I'm going to raise my kids since I predict that I'll be too poor to send them to a hippy dippy private school:
1) My little jewlets will be trained in hand-to-hand combat before entering even a daycare facility. Get ready for my warriors, Bright Horizons.
2) If my little jewlets are gay or "theater kids," they will be well-versed in the use of handguns and allowed to carry a concealed weapon and/or canisters of mace. When my kids take down a school shooter with the glock in their lunchbox, you will all thank me.
3) My little jewlets will be taught to be kind to absolutely everyone.
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