I want to be a part of the solution, instead of just always harping on what you're doing wrong, t.v. executives who gave Mike Tyson a t.v. show even though he's a RAPIST, so here are 10 points to a less asshole-y you. If I'd made this list earlier, maybe you'd have understood why giving t.v. shows to a rapist can be a slap in the face to 51% of the world. Also, don't slap women in the face. We need those to make our living.
Here are some basic, Charlie-idiot mistakes that you can avoid:
1.) If you think I, or another member of the 51% seem like we are uptight, or just need to relax, don't suggest that we "take a Midol and chill out" or suggest that it might be PMS or our periods. The thing is, if it is my period, I'd want to gnaw your larynx out like a candy corn trapped in a flute. This is an ignorant response to a comment or issue you are too lazy to face.
2.) I'm calling a moratorium on the word "cunt" because you've abused it. I want it to get up there with the "n-" word where people are literally afraid to say it in public. They look over their shoulders first and under coasters and then whisper "c-" word, and even then, most people say "that's fucked up, you can't say that."
3.) You take viagra, I get botox. Shut your face because your prostate is the size of Greenland. YOU ARE OLD, TOO.
4.) If we don't know each other and I am walking by myself, don't yell anything at me. Don't yell anything at all. This is the simplest rule to follow, don't use an outside voice normally reserved for calling to the dog or flagging down the ice cream man, to make a comment to/about me or my body or the effect either thing has had on your day.
5.) Don't say anything to me that you wouldn't say to your male neighbor that you don't know very well and are afraid to talk to about how he doesn't shovel the ice off his sidewalk in the winter. That is the relationship I want with you. I speak for the entire 51% when I say that we all want that relationship with you.
6.) Don't hate/blame us for rejecting you. We get rejected, too. Rejection is a part of life. Suck it up, keep moving, and improve your game. Learn a foreign language, volunteer to help Ebola orphans, read the work of Frederick Douglass.
7.) Don't ever say Bros before Hos. The idea behind this, the insidious and niggling desire to protect a man, at all costs, from facing the rape charges that Jameis Winston REALLY NEEDS TO FACE IN THE PAST TENSE 24 MONTHS AGO, is a corrupt idea and Judge Mark Fuller should be removed from the bench (Google that, toute suite), not protected.
8.) If there is a law about lady parts and nothing about the law has anything to do with you, don't have an opinion at all. Lady parts laws are only for ladies to have an opinion.
9.) Don't mention our boobs or hiney in polite conversation. That includes all words found in the urban thesaurus that describe those two lady parts.
10.) Don't pay us less money because we might have babies or have higher pitched voices or nicer hair than you.
This list is to get you started. I have a brother, a husband, and a dad. I understand you're under a lot of pressure when new Black Ops games come out and your NFL team doesn't do well, so I think this is a simple start.
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