Here's My Woman Card All Over Your Face, Bro

Donald Trump is running as a man - mentioned his dick on stage, the size of it, the importance of it - how great it is. He talked about his dick. That's definitely running some kind of gender game.

I get it that men don't think electing someone because they are a woman is important, but it's not like Miss America is running on a platform of world peace and reading books to children--there is a seasoned and experienced leader running who also happens to be a woman.

Because people (men) don't understand why women in office matter, here is a workable list. Print it out and save it in your pocket and pull it out and reference it when you are tempted to say things like "so I'm sexist if I don't like her? This other candidate likes women's issues too, but he happens to be a man" - because it's different. Until you start paying premiums on shaving razors and soap because they come in pastels, you don't get it.

The National Institute of Health didn't include women and minorities in their clinical trials until Congress made them in the 1990s. The 90s, Brah, because the first Executive Director of Emily's List (Rosa DeLauro) ran for Congress, got elected, and then championed that bill.
In the same time frame - Anita Hill and Clarence Thomas. One step forward, a million slaps in the face. If there had been as many women in Congress then as there are today, that might not have happened.

Fast Forward to the Affordable Care Act, which finally and ultimately almost completely leveled the playing field in terms of healthcare costs and access for women - half of the population who bear the burden for producing the population. Thank you to all of the women of Congress, like Nancy Pelosi, who made sure that things like equal premiums for men and women (because women used to have to pay more), and basic preventive services were finally covered. Thanks to the ACA, women can no longer be denied coverage for being a survivor of domestic violence. BRAHHHH! That was only 2012! Domestic Violence! No insurance! Breastfeeding support and pumping supplies are now covered by insurance, thanks to ACA. "Oh that comes naturally, what she done need that for?" No, no it does not. If women's healthcare hadn't largely been treated like a mystery happening in the closet with Grandma, you'd know more. There is so much in there that finally protects women, secures their whole health and promotes better standards of care where there were none. At the same time, we're still fucking arguing about Planned Parenthood.

It takes a woman to sit in Congress and say things like how come no young girls of color are getting into STEM fields? We need a bill to support that push and open those opportunities (thank you, Joyce Beatty). Another woman to introduce a bill to fund the research of uterine fibroids (Stephanie Jones Tubbs - introduced in 2005 and STILL in committee), something that affects millions of women who end up with hysterectomies because there isn't enough research about better treatment options. Prostate cancer gets a stamp and it affects fewer people than fibroids.  

Just about every woman I know has either been sexually harassed, sexually assaulted, or both at some point in her life. A friend of mine was recently sexually harassed and her organization took immediate action and fired him after letting him know privately it was for this sexual harassment, but told her not to tell anyone that was why, didn't publicly state that's why he was fired, and then he went and got a better higher paying job, anyway. "Support" from men comes with limits.

TODAY, girls are sent home from school for wearing things that are distracting to boys. Whose education is of value?

You're saying it's wrong to vote with our ovaries, well, let me remind you that Trump is on the campaign trail talking about the impressiveness of his dick - what are those dudes voting with?

I'ma Give Some Tips On How Not To Be Sexist

I want to be a part of the solution, instead of just always harping on what you're doing wrong, t.v. executives who gave Mike Tyson a t.v. show even though he's a RAPIST, so here are 10 points to a less asshole-y you. If I'd made this list earlier, maybe you'd have understood why giving t.v. shows to a rapist can be a slap in the face to 51% of the world. Also, don't slap women in the face. We need those to make our living.

Here are some basic, Charlie-idiot mistakes that you can avoid:

1.) If you think I, or another member of the 51% seem like we are uptight, or just need to relax, don't suggest that we "take a Midol and chill out" or suggest that it might be PMS or our periods. The thing is, if it is my period, I'd want to gnaw your larynx out like a candy corn trapped in a flute. This is an ignorant response to a comment or issue you are too lazy to face.

2.) I'm calling a moratorium on the word "cunt" because you've abused it. I want it to get up there with the "n-" word where people are literally afraid to say it in public. They look over their shoulders first and under coasters and then whisper "c-" word, and even then, most people say "that's fucked up, you can't say that."

3.) You take viagra, I get botox. Shut your face because your prostate is the size of Greenland. YOU ARE OLD, TOO.

4.) If we don't know each other and I am walking by myself, don't yell anything at me. Don't yell anything at all. This is the simplest rule to follow, don't use an outside voice normally reserved for calling to the dog or flagging down the ice cream man, to make a comment to/about me or my body or the effect either thing has had on your day.

5.) Don't say anything to me that you wouldn't say to your male neighbor that you don't know very well and are afraid to talk to about how he doesn't shovel the ice off his sidewalk in the winter. That is the relationship I want with you. I speak for the entire 51% when I say that we all want that relationship with you.

6.) Don't hate/blame us for rejecting you. We get rejected, too. Rejection is a part of life. Suck it up, keep moving, and improve your game. Learn a foreign language, volunteer to help Ebola orphans, read the work of Frederick Douglass.

7.) Don't ever say Bros before Hos. The idea behind this, the insidious and niggling desire to protect a man, at all costs, from facing the rape charges that Jameis Winston REALLY NEEDS TO FACE IN THE PAST TENSE 24 MONTHS AGO, is a corrupt idea and Judge Mark Fuller should be removed from the bench (Google that, toute suite), not protected.

8.) If there is a law about lady parts and nothing about the law has anything to do with you, don't have an opinion at all. Lady parts laws are only for ladies to have an opinion.

9.) Don't mention our boobs or hiney in polite conversation. That includes all words found in the urban thesaurus that describe those two lady parts.

10.) Don't pay us less money because we might have babies or have higher pitched voices or nicer hair than you.

This list is to get you started. I have a brother, a husband, and a dad. I understand you're under a lot of pressure when new Black Ops games come out and your NFL team doesn't do well, so I think this is a simple start.

This One Is For Renee Z.'s New Face

Jack Nicholson is a gross, fat, nasty old pig-man and I shiver a little every time he is on screen showing chest hair.

Cialis commercials make me want to throw up. Gross old dudes in romantic settings when they are clearly about to get frisky with the Misses or Mistress is my version of chicks talking about their periods to guys. EIWW. Oh, also, guys adjusting the fruit bowl in public or scratching the fruit bowl in public is my other version of chicks talking about their periods to guys. Keep your hands out of there you dirty bastard.

I read an article recently about how the internet hates women and then it talked about internet trolls and the vitriol that females are subjected to in comments of various things. I was kind of like whoa whoa what's happening? But I loves the interwebs, it should loves me backs. Apparently some people think that commentary on Renee Zellweger's plastic surgery is "helpful" because it's so extremely critical. Umm, why is that even important? Can we get back to how gross Jack Nicholson is?

People are always going to say and do nasty shit to other people and men are ALWAYS going to do it more. Always. But can we add to the conversation how GROSS old dudes are? Examples:

Man boobs are grosser than c-section scars and that's a FACT
Gray chest hair is grosser than wrinkles *shiver of disgust*
Baldness is an unfortunate curse of nature, and is MORE unattractive than saggy boobs - I mean, at least we mostly still have boobs, or a boob

It's not just the sexism surrounding aging women, it's just everything being all annoying and sexist. Well, you know what? You're short? Sorry, most ladies probably don't want to sleep with you. Try growing. The most interesting thing you've done with your life is become an expert in playing World of Warcraft? Oh. Wow. Here's a complimentary jar of peanut butter, I guess, since it's expired and I wasn't going to eat it anyway.

DUDES. You're being sexist, domestic-violence-y jerks and that act is tired.